Fear

I have recognized a fear in me. I fear that the devil won’t stop haunting me. I know that my faith is firm, however I can’t deny fear when it is upon me. How is it that fear can have no authority over me, when I must deal with very scary situations? Fear is in my doubts - I doubt the Lord’s plans for me. Fear is in my wariness, my hesitation, and my panic.

I was whitewater kayaking the other day, and I tipped over in my boat as I was turning into an eddy. I was flipped over upside down and instead of wet-exiting, and leaving from the trap of the boat, tried desperately to keep my head above water while the boat and the current was pulling me under and my lower limbs were confined to the boat. I swallowed mouthfuls of water and the panic in my brain rose up in great clouds until my thoughts had finished and survival was slipping away from my own capability. Dennis shouted out to me, “I’ve got you, don’t worry”. I held onto his boat and he flipped me right side up. Now above water, I leapt out from my boat and spewed water out of my lungs as I rested on the shore. As I got oxygen in me again my heart began to regulate and I was now aware at how close to the shore I’d been, how easily I could have saved myself, how un-terrifying the whole scenario was in reality. But in my mind, in the moment I succumbed to fear and panic. Afterwards I had no desire to get back on the river.
I’d swam down 7 foot rapids the week before, I’d canoed down Cascade and rafted down Tumbleweed, I’d never once felt this magnitude of fear in the water. I am not sure if I’m repressing some terrible water experience, or if it was just the trauma of nearly drowning, but for some reason that day I had to get off the water. I went back to camp and began to process what had happened.

“Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, LORD, my faithful God.”