Friday, October 28, 2011

The Vanity of Stubborness

An Essay on the Nature of Rocks

A cliff side screams devastation. The life of a rock is beautifully brutal. I’ve never trusted something so concrete - but even pavement crumbles when chains scrape it’s back winter long. Contrary to the way a rock may appear (a foundation, fixed and unchanging) it is truly misunderstood. The rock is the most stubborn of creation. Like God’s rebuke on mankind, the ocean fervently chisels rock over centuries until jagged stones soften to sand. This process is overlooked because it happens over several human life times. Mountains sprout, and we mark their growth like pencil markings on the wall of a kindergarten classroom. Meanwhile, the mighty bodies of water work their existence in order to refine the sharp edges of rocks, with the hope that they’ll be shaped into smooth surfaces.

Some beaches have large stones that cover the landscape. About the size of a fist, the barefoot has trouble making it’s way across. Some are round and irritating to balance on, others are covered in barnacles and would slice open toes with one wrong step. The ocean, dutifully works night and day, attempting to crack the rocks open. If one attempted to sleep on these rocks, they’d find a bruised back when the sun rose. If one tried to walk a mile without shoes on this terrain, they would find either shredded soles, or the arches of the feet curved to the point of severe aching.

Some beaches are filled with white glistening sand, miniature marbles that have been utterly broken and shattered. Now they are at a point where the foot is able to bask in the smooth texture. The first time a pig lays on a bale of straw might have the same sensation as a rough skinned body lying onto smooth sand – utter relief. The ocean sings to the moon in utter contentedness, for here he can relax. Now he waits to make his way by river, closer yet to the base of mountains, to begin chiseling again.

The world has not always been as it is. What it looked like centuries ago is a mystery to me, but I imagine it this way: tundra’s under glassy windows of water; the roots of trees uprooted-make way for the sea! mountains emerge from ocean; volcanoes erupt to form islands; hills collapse in Drum Heller; caves crumble into the abyss, sand hardens into sandstone; pebbles are pounded to dust; the great clockwise gyre all for the cause of some topographical war. The stubbornness of something increases the vanity(fruitlessness) of it's effort.

Humans have hearts stubborn as stones. The heart cries out to be broken over and over, but there is only one force mighty enough to do this. God takes our heart (not the one that pumps blood, but the metaphorical one that directs our eyes) like a jagged rock and cracks it open. It will be cracked open repeatedly until it is small enough, and the surrounding stones are small enough that they act as one body, soft as sand. God dutifully works night and day, calling us to him. Like devastating cliff sides we call out to him to break us in two, to shape us and make us new. He chips away, our hearts aching yet filled with joy, wearing down our jagged edges, until, over great lengths of time they melt into smooth surfaces.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Fear

I have recognized a fear in me. I fear that the devil won’t stop haunting me. I know that my faith is firm, however I can’t deny fear when it is upon me. How is it that fear can have no authority over me, when I must deal with very scary situations? Fear is in my doubts - I doubt the Lord’s plans for me. Fear is in my wariness, my hesitation, and my panic.

I was whitewater kayaking the other day, and I tipped over in my boat as I was turning into an eddy. I was flipped over upside down and instead of wet-exiting, and leaving from the trap of the boat, tried desperately to keep my head above water while the boat and the current was pulling me under and my lower limbs were confined to the boat. I swallowed mouthfuls of water and the panic in my brain rose up in great clouds until my thoughts had finished and survival was slipping away from my own capability. Dennis shouted out to me, “I’ve got you, don’t worry”. I held onto his boat and he flipped me right side up. Now above water, I leapt out from my boat and spewed water out of my lungs as I rested on the shore. As I got oxygen in me again my heart began to regulate and I was now aware at how close to the shore I’d been, how easily I could have saved myself, how un-terrifying the whole scenario was in reality. But in my mind, in the moment I succumbed to fear and panic. Afterwards I had no desire to get back on the river.
I’d swam down 7 foot rapids the week before, I’d canoed down Cascade and rafted down Tumbleweed, I’d never once felt this magnitude of fear in the water. I am not sure if I’m repressing some terrible water experience, or if it was just the trauma of nearly drowning, but for some reason that day I had to get off the water. I went back to camp and began to process what had happened.

“Keep me free from the trap that is set for me, for you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit; deliver me, LORD, my faithful God.”

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Money



I just received enough money to pay for my school year, seemingly out of thin air. My college fund came through with some money, and the other bit came from a government cheque. The government matched a percentage of my college fund and I am not entirely sure why. I was not expecting to receive money this easily, so it feels strange to be provided for. I know God is telling me something by this.
"Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met." -Matthew 6:33
I've been learning what it means to be faithful to God's will. The only obstacle in his way is my own will. The decision of coming to Bible College has been a part of that lesson. I was looking for life in adventures that excluded God. It's silly to look back on this, because the only life to be found is in God. I could go on about this lesson I'm learning. We look for life in so many empty places. But God will provide everything you desire, adventure, travel, relationships, if you focus on him first. When I stopped clinging to a worry for money, he gave me plenty. Now I wonder what else he'll ask me to do, and I wonder if I'll be ready to do it.
For now I'm celebrating this news by doing some laundry for the first time in a month.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Early Mornings

I woke up early this morning to meet with a friend of mine. It was dark as I rose out of bed and I grimaced at the cold. There was fog in the valley and dew on the lawn. It was hard to accept the morning in it's hostile state. I wanted to sink into sleep once more, but instead I walked into the dim lodge.
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything , but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Phil.4:4-7)
It is strange to realize how consuming insignificant things can be, and how all the things that poison my attitude are insignificant.

I will say it again: Rejoice!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Backpacking

Back in Paradise, MT after some 5 days on the State Line trail! A quick summary:
White Moths, thimbleberries, huckleberries, getting lost at lost lake, face masks in the woods, harmonica playing by the creek, pizza, apple crisp and puck, singing hymns, gatorade and gorp. I wish I could stay in the wilderness forever.

Monday, August 29, 2011

Prayer

"I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." (Philippians 4:12-13)

It's been over a week now that I've spent immersed in the learning about God. To be honest it already feels much longer. With a course condensed into barely two weeks, we spend all our time researching and reading the bible. Although it seems we find time to play volleyball and frisbee enjoying the heat while we can. The next time we're on campus I have a feeling it will be significantly colder.
This verse has been on my mind all week. As I am put into new situations I find myself constantly murmuring this. It has been key to the good times I've already had being here, and the attitude I've been able to keep. So far I am really excited about all the growth that will happen this year, already I have realized how little about life and God that I know.
So this blog is going to be here for those of you who want to hear about what I am learning, and for myself to track what I've been learning. I'll post essays that I write on the essay page, and post photos when I take pictures. On this main page I will share thoughts and prayers. Feel free to comment or send me an e-mail if anything catches your eye.
This week I've been feeling extremely restless and so my prayers have been focused on settling my mind. I have a lot of work ahead of me even tonight, and a final exam and an assignment due on Thursday. Our last class for that test is Thursday morning! I hope that I am able to the best I can without stressing myself out about all the things to do.
-Ana-Maria

Jaws Of God


Oh God,
why do you make
eyes so delicate
and pain so real?
Oh, the weight
when you cracked me open
with your jaw
because there was a time
when I asked to die
and you skinned me alive
you ironed my
hands flat and my touch was gone,
I asked that dry men would be gone
and you fished them out.

You pulled me up from below
and showed me how to shout
and blow air from my
lungs fluttering
like small broken wings
under somebody's thumb.

And day
how you go,
you make a fool out of me
I know how to waste
hours
and fall for
a night with no moon
what could I
say to you?
You bottled me up blue
and shattered me
glass on concrete
Oh thunder,
take me, shape me
make me something new.

And I laugh at
my face before
and my hands that reached into
honeycombs
until wasps stung my throat
Oh love,
take your time
I have missed you
electricity running
kind hands holding my own
finally
I have forgotten your
song
and that hum of disaster
and that season of smoke
oh devil, we're through.